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 Writing advice please

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Bekah
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PostSubject: Writing advice please   Mon Apr 14, 2014 8:51 pm

Okay, I am well into the editing phase of my second novel and things are going well (the book is getting longer, but think that is a good thing Razz)

Anyway, there is one section where I honestly can't decide what reads better and bf is no help because he says either way is good and then claims that he might be biased pffft.  To put it in context, this section is part of a narrative that is setting the scene for a recounting of past events.  I will present both versions and ask which one flows better (and bonus!  you all get a sneak peek Razz)

Quote :
He must remember that the person in front of him is well versed in the art of guile and deception, so he mustn’t let himself be sucked in by her apparent kindness because it must surely be nothing more than an attempt to get him to lower his guard.

“No, you haven’t made me uncomfortable.  You were asked to share everything about your life, and this is what you are doing.  It will all help to understand you better I am sure.”

He keeps his voice neutral as he speaks, not daring to show any compassion to her.  Not only that, he also doesn't want to give any indication that he is interested in what she is telling him because it is also possible that she is using her sensual side to bait him.  She chuckles at his words and shakes her head before looking down at her hands.  When she finally speaks, her voice is low and carries with it a measure of uncertainty he hasn't heard from her before.

or

Quote :
He must remember that the person in front of him is well versed in the art of guile and deception, so he must not let himself be sucked in by her apparent kindness because it must surely be nothing more than an attempt to get him to lower his guard.

“No, you haven’t made me uncomfortable.  You were asked to share everything about your life, and this is what you are doing.  It will all help to understand you better I am sure.”

He keeps his voice neutral as he speaks, not daring to show any compassion to her.  Not only that, he also does not want to give any indication that he is interested in what she is telling him because it is also possible that she is using her sensual side to bait him.  She chuckles at his words and shakes her head before looking down at her hands.  When she finally speaks, her voice is low and carries with it a measure of uncertainty he has not heard from her before.

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kythera
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PostSubject: Re: Writing advice please   Tue Apr 15, 2014 12:49 am

The second one. The first sentence is a bit long in both, though; my brain feels like it's reading a tongue-twister and I get lost in all the 'must's.
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Bekah
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PostSubject: Re: Writing advice please   Tue Apr 15, 2014 1:10 am

You are right, good catch on that, I think that whole sentence needs a rewrite Very Happy

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Trinity
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PostSubject: Re: Writing advice please   Tue Apr 15, 2014 2:53 am

Second one is great! Thanks for sharing Bekah! Can't wait to read the rest lol! Very Happy

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Luffy1
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PostSubject: Re: Writing advice please   Tue Apr 15, 2014 4:16 am

Second one is much easier to read than the first. I want to know who this little seductress minx is now! :O
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Terrasophia
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PostSubject: Re: Writing advice please   Tue Apr 15, 2014 10:51 am

In general, I like the mustn't, but I agree that in this context it flows better with must not. Congrats on entering the editing phase!
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Aidan
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PostSubject: Re: Writing advice please   Tue Apr 15, 2014 3:12 pm

I'm of no help but woo congrats! hehe

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PostSubject: Re: Writing advice please   Tue Apr 15, 2014 4:12 pm

I prefer the second one..
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Bekah
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PostSubject: Re: Writing advice please   Tue Apr 15, 2014 4:57 pm

Thank you everyone for your advice, I have edited the first sentence and will go with the majority here.

As to the people who are intrigued, all I can say is ... good!  Twisted Evil

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PostSubject: Re: Writing advice please   Wed Apr 16, 2014 3:47 pm

Sounds like a great story!! Courage! Very Happy
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